“Duke Nukem Forever took 15 years to develop and publish,” said Ken Levine - Bioshock Infinite’s lead designer - during a recent interview, “and as we all know, Infinity is a helluva lot longer than forever. So it’s definitely going to take at least 15 more years.”

Only days after Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 was announced, publisher Activision Blizzard has revealed (in another stunning move) a sequel to the unreleased game is already in the works. It is scheduled to be released a mere three months after Black Ops 2. 

“I mean, people thought we couldn’t release a new Call of Duty game every year and maintain any sense of quality or innovation. I think it’s safe to say that by the piles of money we’re making, we’re doing just alright” stated Bobby Kotick, CEO Activision Blizzard, at a press conference announcing the game.

Kotick then went on to add that Activision Blizzard plans on releasing a new Call of Duty game four times a year in a move he says, “will only bring more quality and innovation to the entire industry… quality and innovation of course being my nicknames for profits and bags of money.”

Today, Remedy Entertainment and Microsoft Game Studios announced that they will be releasing a director’s cut to the original Alan Wake. The new title will integrate similar gameplay mechanics of Alan Wake: American Nightmare. “The one comment we kept getting over and over again from our fans was how much they liked replaying the same game three times just to get to the final ending of American Nightmare,” remarked chief writer Sam Lake, “In Alan Wake Director’s Cut we’ve decided to extend this vision into the original game. No longer can you get to the ending in a single playthrough - you’ll have to go through the entire game at least five times in order to reach the end. Also, just like in American Nightmare, not all of the weapons and enemies in the game will be available your first time through.”

It is still unknown if the director’s cut will also feature a single player survival mode as did American Nightmare. “Surprisingly, the feedback wasn’t so good on that. A lot of people said that a cooperative mode should have been included and that playing by yourself was just dumb, but obviously I don’t think that was the issue. I mean I’m the genius here. I think we’ll just tweak it so it becomes more repetitive. Then maybe the players will get my vision, you know?”

Alan Wake: The Director’s Cut will be available on the Xbox Live Arcade later this year for three payments of $13.33.

Datura, the latest PSN exclusive from Sony Computer Entertainment and developer Plastic, has been widely celebrated for its unique perspective, excellent visuals, and eerie soundtrack. However, critics have also largely panned its terrible controls. Today, Datura’s game director, Michal Staniszewski, spoke up in defense of the motion controlled gameplay, “the controls really went over well with all our test groups and internally.” Asked by GamesGo why he thinks the greater public opposes the controls he continued “I don’t think people get the point. I mean the game is called Datura, and is basically all one big trip. It’s also only about 90 minutes long; come on, do I have to spell this out for you?” At this point Staniszewski revealed the facts to GamesGo, “The controls suck when sober; but on datura? They’re the tits! We gave all our testers the proper amount of datura and we couldn’t get them to leave. All I’m saying is, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” During the same interview, Staniszewski later admitted that originally the game was going to be packaged with the proper amounts of datura to be ingested while playing. However, he said that Sony nixed that idea. “Next time I’m making games for Nintendo, I know they’d be all for this shit. I mean have you ever played Mario? Look at all those crazy shrooms.”

After the New York Knicks demoralizing game 2 playoff loss to the Miami Heat, Knicks forward Amare Stoudemire punched through the glass case covering an fire extinguishers resulting in lacerations on his left hand. According to a league source with knowledge of the incident, “[Amare] was just frustrated.”

While Stoudemire’s actions have drawn the ire of Knicks fans everywhere there is some solace. Today, 2K Sports has announced that they will be adding a “frustrated player” action to every one of their 2K13 titles. A 2K Sports spokesman related “Amare’s actions really inspired us. We had been looking to improve the gaming experience and I think we have found that with our Custom Rendered Aggravated Player system.”

C.R.A.P. promises to give players the ability to so frustrate an opposing player that they will promptly injure themselves after the game in some embarrassing way like tripping over a gym bag or trying to fight a raccoon. Players can frustrate opponents in a number of ways all of which are yet to be uncovered. Be warned however, “opposing players, computer controlled or otherwise, can also cause your players to injure themselves if they become too frustrated,” the 2K Sports spokesman continued.

Look for 2K’s C.R.A.P system to be included in NBA 2K13, Major League Baseball 2K13, and NHL 2K13 (back from its year hiatus).

A few weeks after it was revealed the Playstation Vita would launch in three bundles, a wi-fi only vita for $250, a 3G version for $300, and an early-edition bundle for $350 available a week before its official launch date, Sony has made another announcement about an even newer, more premium Vita bundle.

“The Playstation Vita: Ultimate bundle is the most premium portable gaming experience available,” began Sony Computer Entertainment President, Kazuo Hirai, “retailing at the low, low price of $5000, this bundle is available 8 days before the Vita’s official launch. It includes two free games, a 4B memory stick, and the Ultra-Elite Playstation Vita — which differs from the other models available with it’s 60 inch screen.”

Psychologists and medical professionals have determined there is no threat of a debilitating mental illness epidemic originating from Ubisoft’s headquarters. After Ubisoft carelessly released Self Defense Training Camp to the general public a panic quickly spread over the globe on the chance that the whole company had been struck by some sort of cognition-blocking virus. “Ubisoft rarely releases bad games and this game wasn’t just terrible, it was unbearable!” one startled gamer remarked to GamesGo. “I think everyone’s first thought was that something must have infected Ubisoft, and if it could get to them, it could easily get to us!”

In short time, the Center for Disease Control and other top medical professionals were dispatched to Ubisoft’s headquarters. “We couldn’t find anything wrong with any of the employees,” stated Thomas R. Frieden, Director of the CDC, “it was the picture of a model videogame company.”

After a few days of studying the employees, the response and rescue team searched the Ubisoft basement for signs of malfunction. It was there that a startling discovery was made. “Ubisoft is home to the largest radioactive rat infestation I have ever seen. It appears their intelligence has reached the level of THX, Sierra, and other bad videogame developers.” With this discovery, it has been proven that the rats independently created and produced Self Defense Training Camp under the Ubisoft name. With the Ubisoft name cleared, normalcy has returned to the videogame landscape.

In related news, the radioactive rats have opened their own development studio, RadioRactive! Word has leaked that they will be releasing a new title in the near future.